For those of you who like the old me, you may find what I’m about to say slightly disturbing. I am about to craft the new me. That’s right. For the last 34 years, I have been the old me but that is about to change. While there were some positives associated with Old Ania, you may enjoy some improvements of New Ania. And yes, I fully understand that I must be breaking some kind of law by not appreciating myself or loving me for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have pretty good self esteem. I haven’t yet figured out if I have too much self esteem or too little based on objective human value, but I feel pretty fine about myself overall.
But I am turning 34 on Monday. That seems a bit old. And all those things I always thought I’d change about myself with time haven’t really improved. When I was younger, I wanted to be smarter and better looking, have more friends. Today I want to be younger, cognitively un-embarrassing, and keep the friends I have made. I am still not that great looking (those of you who wish to differ, speak up now) and am even more unorganized and frazzled at all times (yes, it’s shocking, isn’t it?).
As a mom, I’d like to teach by example. I would love my kids to grow up idealizing me, idolizing me. Of course, I’m sure this is every parent’s dream and probably scientifically impossible. But the person I see myself through my kids eyes is not the person sitting in this messy apartment, with a chipped manicure, eating cheerios. I imagine their friends teasing them about their hot mom (who is on her way to the gym). Them telling their friends that mom is away for a month curing AIDS in Africa. Sometimes they accompany me and gain serious insight. We live a beautiful and clean house where I happen to “enjoy cooking.” Yes, I had to put that in quotes. I have some fancy kitchen, all those Williams-Sonoma appliances, in copper of course, and I have a sexy apron. This will be a huge draw for when the kids go off to boarding school at Exeter or back for Christmas break from Harvard. I guess I’ve shifted a few decades ahead, so I assume that by then I will have developed an understanding of current events, financial markets, and picked up a hobby or two. While I have always wanted to have a passion for photography (the kind where I occasionally show my work in galleries) I am now bored of the idea and am looking for new interests (taking suggestions).
I will definitely have stopped biting my nails and will always have shaved legs and armpits.
Mostly, I will just be calm, relaxed, and happy (while maintaining hotness). With a glass of wine, laughing with someone about something. Not a care in the world.
That is what I kind of see the New Ania as. Glamorously beautiful. Put together. Toned. Fun. Relaxed. Brilliant. Organized.
So how will I make these changes, you ask skeptically? I suppose that as “organized” keeps making its way into my goals I shouldn’t just “wing it and see” as I am tempted to do. Perhaps a timeline with goals and deadlines written in Excel. In a file I can locate easily (I can never find these damn personal files which is why I’m blogging this lengthy embarrassing entry). I should start with simple things like finding my credit card and keys (lost again). I don’t really know and am open to suggestions.
Posted by Amy Dennis on December 14, 2011 at 9:18 am
May I point out the good in the Old Ania? The one who just rolls with the punches? You have set a good example. Whenever I lose something (which is usually right under my nose), such as my favorite pair of pants, or necklace, or the lid to a pan I’m using, I start to frantically look for it in frustration and then stop and think, “What Would Ania Do?” And then I stop, smile, and pick out a different pair of pants/necklace/pan, knowing eventually it will turn up. I’m still clothed/accessorized/fed, but I didn’t lose those minutes of my life searching for something.