WE HAVE BEDBUGS. There, it is said, and it is said on the internet. It is time for us, the bed bug victims, to unite against the discrimination that is maliciously perpetrated against our kind. It is not our fault that our wall-sharing neighbors sent the little critters underneath the wall. We are the bitten, the itchy. We are lunch. And now we suffer the social stigma.
Our best friends have denied us entry to their home (http://www.herbietown.com/blog/2011/11/03/bed-bugs/ ). Apparently, we are contemporary equivalents of the Lepers of Biblical times. Friends will never come over for dinner, so we packed up our plates and party fare and are ready for a storage unit. It is sad. It would be sadder if we ever had friends over before we were infested, but still, the option has been taken from us.
But there is a silver lining. We have purged our apartment of anything we don’t love or need. There was no need to get a donation bag going, which is always a source of guilt for me (“someone might want this nice leather Kenneth Cole briefcase”). No, no one will want a bed bug-infested briefcase. No one on Craigslist will take that table. No one wants the glasses, the books, the crappy kid toys. Garbage, garbage, garbage. There is an indescribable catharsis that comes with throwing crap out. Every time another useless item hits the economy sized black construction debris bag, my heart flutters a pitter patter. Tim tries to convince me that my African art, which he’s always hated, is a bed bug haven.
When all the crap is gone, the apartment seems very dirty. The walls are all scratched up (all wall hangings were removed), the kitchen cabinets, now emptied, are gross. There are random Melissa & Doug letters hiding behind bookshelves that were moved away from the wall.
Turns out, we don’t like our furniture, so out it goes. No need for rugs, especially with the new sanitary measures we are implementing. Why are our clothes so ugly? Why do did we not throw out unmatched baby socks earlier? Was I ever going to return the junk I bought and meant to return (i.e. Container Store metal basket you hang on a toilet and put magazines into which never fit- why the F did I buy that?????) The portable washing machine I got last year so we wouldn’t get bed bugs from the laundry room…..hmm…let me think, GARBAGE. The enormous carpet shampooer I bought so we wouldn’t get bed bugs from the local hardware store rental one…hmm….I know, GARBAGE.
Most importantly, what do we buy to replace the junk we throw out? Obviously, we won’t be buying a Design Within Reach tulip table with the marble top, as it is likely to get infested. Our purchases will be IKEA. And since we are chucking our stuff and starting over, we might as well go from “country” crap to “modern” crap, which is abundant at IKEA. And how do we decorate knowing that NO ONE WILL EVER COME OVER TO SEE THE DÉCOR? No matter how exterminated, steamed, spotless our place will be, no one will want to come over for drinks, dinner, a movie, a play date. They will not even want to see how we’ve turned Jacob’s bed bug-infested bedroom into an office/dining room. No matter how awesome the Pottery Barn table-turned-desk will look. How does totally private consumption affect the decorating décor? Should we just make it one large play area with toys everywhere? A little kid table, a kid kitchen, space for bike riding and ball playing? Or should we maintain a semblance of normalcy and implement “serious” furniture and storage?
And what about accessories? With all the free time we will have on our hands, having been discarded by those whom we once considered our friends, won’t we need little perks in life? Like a nice place to keep the toilet literature?
